Choices
I wonder how many of us are really truly happy with the choices we make. And by that I mean that we don't regret any part of it. I'd say I'm about 50/50. Some choices I've made still make me sad, but I know they were for the best, so I continue on. Other choices were spot on right - and I'm glad I made them and wouldn't change a thing.
As I get older, when I think about my future choices, my head and my heart struggle a lot. But my gut is usually right. It just doesn't quite know how to communicate with the other parts of my body. Kinda like my mouth and my stomach - my mouth can eat all day and totally ignore my stomach when it's screaming 'nooooooooooo!!!!'.
I used to think that I had to have a family and kids and husband and that I had to fill the idyllic American dream. I'm not so sure of that anymore. I was married once, we never had kids, and we ended up divorced. He's remarried with a step-son and a son of his own. He has a family. Is that what I want? I'm not so sure.
I'm 39 years old and have been living on my own for about 5 years. I've gotten used to being alone and doing my own thing. I can lay around on the sofa all day, or I can go to the gym at 10pm at night . I can let the laundry pile up for 3 weeks and I can let the dishes overflow in the sink. I don't have to clean up after anyone but myself, and I don't have to call anyone if I'm going to be late. I can wake up on a Saturday morning and go for a 3 hour ride to hike in the woods for 2 hours. I don't have to cook dinner every night and I don't have to keep snacks in the house. I can watch what I want on TV or I can play on the computer all day. Yes - there are a lot of times I like being by myself.
Of course, there are those times when I'm lonely as hell. Like the holidays, for instance. Since my mom has moved away, I feel kind of orphaned. I have a sister around the corner, but our connections ends with us having the same parents. She'll spend more time with her friends than me. But it's always been that way so I'm used to it. I sometimes wish I had someone to cook for, because I do enjoy putting together a good meal. I wish I had someone to go to dinner with sometimes, but I have dined by myself. I wish I had someone to go on vacation with. But I have vacationed by myself. Mostly I wish I has someone I could share myself with. Sometimes.
So back to choices...
I did have the chance to have a family. But I divorced him. I did have a loving, caring boyfriend that I used to be able to do all those things for. But we broke up. Both my choice. Both choices that made me sad, but in my gut, were the best thing for me. All because of the one big choice that I want to make and that they never would have been able to accommodate.
I live in New Jersey - the armpit of the US. If you live in New Jersey, there are two distinct parts of New Jersey. North Jersey and South Jersey. All the stigmatism about New Jersey is really pinned on North Jersey. The dirt, the accent, the smog, the Soprano's, the toxic New York cast-offs; all a part of North Jersey. I live in South Jersey. Woods and farms. Blueberry fields, cranberry bogs, peach orchards, apple orchards, Pine Barrens, the New Jersey Devil, Atlantic City and the casinos. Regardless of all of that, New Jersey is still the armpit of the US. I'm convinced that living here is a sick joke parents play on their kids; they move them here when they're too young to know what a crappy place this is to live until they grow up.
I've been to Texas exactly once. I was in San Antonio during Easter 2005 for 5 days. Flying through the Dallas and Houston airports to connect to El Paso to drive to New Mexico doesn't count as being in Texas. So I've been to Texas exactly once. Yet for reasons I cannot explain, I've wanted to move to Texas since I was 30. Specifically San Antonio. There are other parts of this blog that I've deleted (mostly because they were pathetic whinings) but I need to stress that my reason for wanting to move there has nothing to do with the main subject of those blogs. I've wanted to move there long before I knew him. The location with which I want to move to Texas probably has changed because of him. But not because I want to be near him - more because I know more about the different areas and in conversation that I've had with other people that I know live there, I really want to move to Austin. From what I've read and heard, it sounds like my kind of place.
I lived in Philadelphia for a while after I divorced and I've worked there for about 6 years. Philadelphia is a big little city. It offers all those great things that a place like New York can offer, but in a more intimate setting. I like Philadelphia and feel relatively safe there - safe enough to live there for 2 years. I think Austin is a lot like that. Big little city feel with the Hill Country all around and plenty of stuff to do outdoors - and I love being outdoors.
And that's the choice that the 1ex and the 2ex would never have been able to accommodate. The 1ex was not a risk taker. He wouldn't move to save his life. The 2ex has a little daughter he can't leave. She's 8 and I can understand that.
I just can't stay in New Jersey anymore. When this overwhelming feeling of wanting to get out of here would gnaw in my gut I'd be thinking 'What am I running away from?'. It's only recently that I've come to realize that I'm not running away from anything. I've outgrown my life here. It's time for me to move on. I've been saying for longer that I remember, 'There's more to life than New Jersey'. And Austin is where I want to be.
My sister will be moving out of the area in the next 2 years, and my mom has already retired to New Mexico. The older I get, the more I can't stand the cold and the ice and the snow and the winters. I do love the change of seasons and the spectacular colors - but not enough to stay here for the rest of my life. It's ridiculously expensive. Although my car insurance has dropped, our esteemed governor raised sales tax by 1% to 7% and my property taxes are almost $6000/yr. For a TOWNHOUSE. Outrageous.
Although I haven't made the move yet, and therefore fulfilled the choice, having made up my mind to it sits in my gut just fine. Will I be scared when the time comes? You betcha! I don't even have a job down there, much less a place to live, but I know that I can find both. I do worry that I'm getting old and it's much to late to start a new chapter or my life, but I don't like the chapter that's being written right here and now. I can't imagine my future being in New Jersey. I can imagine my future being in Austin.
That's my choice and I'm sticking to it.
As I get older, when I think about my future choices, my head and my heart struggle a lot. But my gut is usually right. It just doesn't quite know how to communicate with the other parts of my body. Kinda like my mouth and my stomach - my mouth can eat all day and totally ignore my stomach when it's screaming 'nooooooooooo!!!!'.
I used to think that I had to have a family and kids and husband and that I had to fill the idyllic American dream. I'm not so sure of that anymore. I was married once, we never had kids, and we ended up divorced. He's remarried with a step-son and a son of his own. He has a family. Is that what I want? I'm not so sure.
I'm 39 years old and have been living on my own for about 5 years. I've gotten used to being alone and doing my own thing. I can lay around on the sofa all day, or I can go to the gym at 10pm at night . I can let the laundry pile up for 3 weeks and I can let the dishes overflow in the sink. I don't have to clean up after anyone but myself, and I don't have to call anyone if I'm going to be late. I can wake up on a Saturday morning and go for a 3 hour ride to hike in the woods for 2 hours. I don't have to cook dinner every night and I don't have to keep snacks in the house. I can watch what I want on TV or I can play on the computer all day. Yes - there are a lot of times I like being by myself.
Of course, there are those times when I'm lonely as hell. Like the holidays, for instance. Since my mom has moved away, I feel kind of orphaned. I have a sister around the corner, but our connections ends with us having the same parents. She'll spend more time with her friends than me. But it's always been that way so I'm used to it. I sometimes wish I had someone to cook for, because I do enjoy putting together a good meal. I wish I had someone to go to dinner with sometimes, but I have dined by myself. I wish I had someone to go on vacation with. But I have vacationed by myself. Mostly I wish I has someone I could share myself with. Sometimes.
So back to choices...
I did have the chance to have a family. But I divorced him. I did have a loving, caring boyfriend that I used to be able to do all those things for. But we broke up. Both my choice. Both choices that made me sad, but in my gut, were the best thing for me. All because of the one big choice that I want to make and that they never would have been able to accommodate.
I live in New Jersey - the armpit of the US. If you live in New Jersey, there are two distinct parts of New Jersey. North Jersey and South Jersey. All the stigmatism about New Jersey is really pinned on North Jersey. The dirt, the accent, the smog, the Soprano's, the toxic New York cast-offs; all a part of North Jersey. I live in South Jersey. Woods and farms. Blueberry fields, cranberry bogs, peach orchards, apple orchards, Pine Barrens, the New Jersey Devil, Atlantic City and the casinos. Regardless of all of that, New Jersey is still the armpit of the US. I'm convinced that living here is a sick joke parents play on their kids; they move them here when they're too young to know what a crappy place this is to live until they grow up.
I've been to Texas exactly once. I was in San Antonio during Easter 2005 for 5 days. Flying through the Dallas and Houston airports to connect to El Paso to drive to New Mexico doesn't count as being in Texas. So I've been to Texas exactly once. Yet for reasons I cannot explain, I've wanted to move to Texas since I was 30. Specifically San Antonio. There are other parts of this blog that I've deleted (mostly because they were pathetic whinings) but I need to stress that my reason for wanting to move there has nothing to do with the main subject of those blogs. I've wanted to move there long before I knew him. The location with which I want to move to Texas probably has changed because of him. But not because I want to be near him - more because I know more about the different areas and in conversation that I've had with other people that I know live there, I really want to move to Austin. From what I've read and heard, it sounds like my kind of place.
I lived in Philadelphia for a while after I divorced and I've worked there for about 6 years. Philadelphia is a big little city. It offers all those great things that a place like New York can offer, but in a more intimate setting. I like Philadelphia and feel relatively safe there - safe enough to live there for 2 years. I think Austin is a lot like that. Big little city feel with the Hill Country all around and plenty of stuff to do outdoors - and I love being outdoors.
And that's the choice that the 1ex and the 2ex would never have been able to accommodate. The 1ex was not a risk taker. He wouldn't move to save his life. The 2ex has a little daughter he can't leave. She's 8 and I can understand that.
I just can't stay in New Jersey anymore. When this overwhelming feeling of wanting to get out of here would gnaw in my gut I'd be thinking 'What am I running away from?'. It's only recently that I've come to realize that I'm not running away from anything. I've outgrown my life here. It's time for me to move on. I've been saying for longer that I remember, 'There's more to life than New Jersey'. And Austin is where I want to be.
My sister will be moving out of the area in the next 2 years, and my mom has already retired to New Mexico. The older I get, the more I can't stand the cold and the ice and the snow and the winters. I do love the change of seasons and the spectacular colors - but not enough to stay here for the rest of my life. It's ridiculously expensive. Although my car insurance has dropped, our esteemed governor raised sales tax by 1% to 7% and my property taxes are almost $6000/yr. For a TOWNHOUSE. Outrageous.
Although I haven't made the move yet, and therefore fulfilled the choice, having made up my mind to it sits in my gut just fine. Will I be scared when the time comes? You betcha! I don't even have a job down there, much less a place to live, but I know that I can find both. I do worry that I'm getting old and it's much to late to start a new chapter or my life, but I don't like the chapter that's being written right here and now. I can't imagine my future being in New Jersey. I can imagine my future being in Austin.
That's my choice and I'm sticking to it.
posted by Moondancer at 10:41 AM
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