I like

I like the change of colors - when spring turns to fall and a single tree can stand bolded orange against a see of so many other colors

I like seeing a red cardinal on a snowy branch in the dead of winter - it signals a hope for the spring to come

I like the bulbs that push through the frosted ground - defying the bitter cold with a promise of renewed life and warmth

I like the buds that sprout on the greening branches as spring approaches - they hold the smile of the tiny leaves they hide within

I like a brilliant bright cloudless blue sky - endless and infinite, its mirrors the possibilities in all of us

I like the rolling black clouds of an impending storm - fierce and scowling and beyond all reckoning

I like the sound of rain pounding on the roof and windows - it's constant and soothing in a world that isn't so constant and soothing

I like the quiet of the eve of a snow storm - all sound is absorbed by the crystalline fluff that blankets the ground

PC Tips - Leave it on or turn it off?

As an IT professional, I get this question a lot. Well - this one and many others. But today I happened to come across an article that addresses one particular issue.

http://tech.msn.com/howto/article.aspx?cp-documentid=2601927&GT1=9132

Should I power off my PC at night?

The article offers some good information, but my response differs, depending on the circumstances.

In most office environments, your PC is attached to the network. You share files and folders, access applications, and you may print to a networked printer. To secure this network against outside attacks and viruses, most enterprise office environments run anti-virus software. Well, anti-virus software is only as effective as the most up-to-date virus definitions it has. The virus definitions have to update somehow, and they do - usually across the network - and usually at night.

You'll find that most corporate environments update their virus definitions and other software applications, patches, hot-fixes, etc at night. There is a lot less network traffic because no one is there to access the files, folders, applications and printers. The systems that update the PCs can do their job much more efficiently, effectively and with a greater degree of success at night. However, the PC can only be updated if it's powered on! Hence, my arguement for NOT powering down your work PC at night.

The article recommends allowing the PC to hibernate as opposed to powering it down. Well, when a PC in a corporate environment hibernates, for the purposes of updates, hibernating does the same thing as powering down a PC. If your machine is set to hibernate, you won't be able to receive updates.

So, the bottom line for me on your work PC - don't power it down. Unless your company has an energy consumption policy enforced, I would suggest leaving the workstation powered up, but be sure to reboot it at least once a week.

Now - for your home PC. For a short time I lived in a small studio apartment. The building was old - built in about the 1920s or 30s. Great hardwood floors, high baseboards, high ceilings, floor to ceiling bay window - really really cute. The apartment also only had 7 outlets. Yes - that's right - 7 outlets. Two-prong outlets, no less. Now think about the normal things you have plugged it - all told I had 21 devices plugged in at any given time. I literally had to unplug my 'fridge or microwave to vacuum or blow-dry my hair. No because I needed a free outlet, but because I was always blowing the breaker for my apartment.

So what does this have to do with powering down your home PC? Well, electricity was bought in bulk by the apartment complex from the power company. They in turn charged us on average, about $40 - $50 every 3 months for normal consumption. Pretty cheap, huh? Well, once I got my high-speed internet service installed, I kept my PC on all the time. Like I said, it was a studio apartment, so I used the clock screen saver as my clock. I left it like this for about a month and a half. Then my electric bill came. And it had doubled!

Try this quick test - power up your PC and all it's peripherals - speakers, monitor, printers, scanner - whatever you have attached that plugs into an outlet. Now run out and watch the little wheely-thing on your electric meter spin like a top. Now, shut everything down, run back to the electric meter, and watch the little wheely-thing slow to a crawl - or at least slow down dramatically. I don't have to go through all the power consumption kilowatt specs to have you see that leaving your PC powered up at home sucks up a TON of power.

While virus updates and Windows updates are just as important on your home PC as they are at work, they are much less intrusive and easier for your to manage yourself. Part of everyones home PC maintenance routine should be to regularly check for virus updates, or let whatever anti-virus program you use handle that for you. You should also configure Windows Update to download and install updates for you automatically. You don't have to leave your PC powered up all the time for this to happen.

Passion

What am I passionate about? What are you passionate about? There are a lot of things that I like to do, but what fires me up? What breathes life into me and excites me to where it's oozing out of me?

I'm not talking about being passionate for a person - I'm talking about being passionate about something that means something personal to you. Something that is ingrained in you - helps define you - shape you - guide you.

I'm missing that passion. As I think about it and identify the things I like and the things I like to do, I put too much emphasize on being perfect at all those things. Knowing I could never be perfect, I don't pursue them with passion.

Passion is a personal thing. What I am passionate about may not be what someone else is passionate about. In fact, what excites and drives me might be stupid and silly to someone else. But that doesn't matter. It's my passion.

So again - what is my passion? Maybe my passion is how I do what I do. I think that is the key - it doesn't matter what I do - it's whether or not I do it with passion.

Live with passion - love with passion - laugh with passion.

Whatever you do, do it with passion!!

Unconditional

I've been told once or twice ".....I love you unconditionally....." and never really knew what they meant by that. I can't say that I loved those who told me that unconditionally. I didn't have that feeling and I didn't know what it would feel like if I did.

As it turns out, I do have that feeling and have for quite a while. I just didn't know it. This man I love, I love unconditionally. Ours isn't a normal relationship by any stretch and many would look at me as if I have 3 heads for loving him as much and the way I do. I've been trying to define the whys and wherefores of why I care so much and of late I've come to realize there may not be a specific reason.

What I have come to realize most definitely is that I love him unconditionally. No matter what and after all these years, I love him unconditionally.

A Look Back

It's Sunday morning, the last day of 2006. I'm actually at work - I volunteered to cover this shift in support of the funeral for former President Ford. Basically I get to sit around for 12 hours to surf the net, maybe do a little work, and watch the Eagles game at 4pm on the big screen TV. Considering I'm getting paid for all of this, it's not a bad gig.

I thought I'd take a cursory look back at 2006 and see where I am from where I started out.

The year started off with a devastating tragedy - an accident that almost killed someone who means the world to me. Against all odds, he survived and continues to recovery remarkably, but not without some residual damage.

Before this accident, I cannot say that I prayed at all for something I wanted so badly, or even believed in a God or force that would listen to my prayers. But I did pray, and still do, and often. The prayers weren't for me, per se, but rather I prayed for the recovery of this man and that he not be taken away from his boys. I prayed that he be able to live a long and healthy life so he could see those boys grow to be men as fine as he.

I made deals with God in exchange for having these prayers answered. If he woke up from his coma at all, I prayed, I would end the relationship I was in with a man I didn't love. He woke up, and I ended the relationship. I prayed for successful outcomes to various tests and reports, that if those tests and reports were positive, I would give up on us being a couple and settle for us being friends. So far, all tests and reports have been positive.

I won't ever ask for God to bring us together. I will only ask for this man to have a long and healthy life with his boys. Anything else that may or may not happen between he and I is God's will and I will abide by that. We are getting closer, but I caution myself every step of the way. He is not the same man he was before the crash, and he has no memory of me whatsoever before he woke up . But day by day, we build our friendship, and at the very least, I will always have that. I cannot and will not ask for anything more for myself.

The relationship I ended was one I never should have been in. My regret is that I let it happen and let it go on for so long. It had its good points, and it had its bad points. It served it's purpose but I knew it wouldn't and shouldn't continue. I did learn a lot from it and I did grow from it, so as long as those things occurred, I am happy with the outcome. In a shocking side note, I have recently learned some things about this person that thoroughly reinforces how right my decision was, how wrong he would have been as a life-long partner, and how lucky I was to get out!!

I changed jobs mid way through the year. This was truly a stroke of luck for me. All of the pieces fell in place and I was fortunate enough not only to leave a dead-end job (work I loved, company I hated) but I was able to move into a secure, life-long job. Although I was apprehensive at what I given up (in the way of technology and exposure) to come here, those fears have been alleviated to some degree by what I have gained in other areas. Unlike the private sector, which continue to gouge people in my profession through down-sizing, outsourcing, and restructuring of job titles (and therefore, salaries), I will always get a raise, even if it's just cost-of-living. I will always get a performance review, and therefore a possibility of promotion. I now get paid overtime and premium time for holidays worked and additional shift hours worked. I get extra holidays. I get sick leave. I can carry over my vacation time. All in all, it's turned out to be quite a good deal - one that I am lucky for and thankful for!

I still worry about money. I will be okay in retirement; I've always been diligent about that. I worry day to day about paying my bills and having enough of a safety cushion. I don't spend or live extravagantly - I can't afford to! I get by paycheck to paycheck. I know in an emergency I could get help, but I don't like it that way. I'm still pathetically and fiercely independent.

I have great hope for this new year. Although I love this new job, I am still actively looking to move away from the area - far, far away. Which would obviously mean leaving the job. I am nervous to the prospect of leaving my job and the new found security it offers. But I do not feel that my life is here anymore. It is time for me to move on. Whether or not my luck follows me and I am fortunate enough to maintain a job with the same organization remains to be seen. I will put forth every effort to sway the tide in that direction, but at some point it is out of my hands.

I have great hope that my friendship with this man will grow, but I will gladly and gratefully settle for a simple friendship.

In these last few months of 2006 I have come to be quite content with who I am, how I am and where I am going. I have learned once again not to worry about that which I cannot control, and to enjoy that which I can. I strive to be a happy person while still acknowledging those dark moments that plague us all. Those moments, while not permanent, are there to be immediately indulged and immediately discarded. They balance my world and ultimately prove to me that I can achieve and accomplish anything I put my mind to. I strive to learn from my mistakes and recount them in detail when I see myself repeating them. They keep me centered towards being the best person I can be. I strive to be honest with myself and others and to be truthful about what I want and what I need, without fear of consequences - real or imagined.

Taken in its pieces, 2006 was a rough year. Taken as a whole, it was the best year I've had in a very very long time.

So I look forward to and welcome 2007. I expect nothing and everything. I am excited and hopeful of my future. I am cautious, but not paranoid. I will move confidently, purposefully and honestly.

I am and will continue to be happy.

So Much Work!

I went to the library today to do a little research on Austin. Things like cost of living, major employers, and demographics based on zip code.

I know absolutely nothing about Austin and I've never been there, so I have to learn my way around virtually.

I posted a question to craiglist in Austin to see if anyone could offer me any help in getting some information. A few people did respond (thank you!) so it helped in my library search just a little bit.

I could contact a realtor, but since I won't be moving for at least a year, and I might not even buy a house as soon as I get there, there isn't much motivation for them to really help me out.

I'm not sure if I want to live in within the city limit or in the suburbs. I guess a lot will depend on where I can afford to live, huh? I will probably rent at first and figure out where I want to and can afford to buy from there. If - rather 'when' - I do buy, I'd like to buy a duplex so I can live in half and rent half. It'll give me a little more wiggles room so I can travel around a bit.

There are sooo many things to think about when you're moving across country! It's much different than just planning to move across town. And I'm only talking about the move part - not about the 'getting-a-job' part. That's a whole other deal.

First, I have to sell my house. As we all know, the housing market has taken a dump and homes around my way just are not moving. I live in a townhome, but I have the end unit. There's no one behind me and no one next to me and I have a view of the golf course. Plus I have a privacy fence on my deck so it's completely isolated and secluded. So much so that I regularly sunbathe nude out there in the summer! Boy - I'm gonna miss that part of living in my house. There are houses around here that are larger than mine, but I have the best lot so I'm hoping that helps.

How am I going to move me, my furniture and my car? Do I hire cross country movers (which will cost me close to $5k) or do I rent a U-Haul and move myself? (Mom would have a conniption - me driving a U-Haul across country by myself). And what about my car? Do I tow that behind the U-Haul, hire a mover to ship that out to Texas or drive it out there myself?

The whole process is a little overwhelming and sometimes scary. Have I thought of everything? Both for moving out of here and moving in there? Will I be able to find a job once I get there? Am I nuts to leave the good job I have now and move to nothing with nothing, knowing nobody and nothing about the area??

Choices

I wonder how many of us are really truly happy with the choices we make. And by that I mean that we don't regret any part of it. I'd say I'm about 50/50. Some choices I've made still make me sad, but I know they were for the best, so I continue on. Other choices were spot on right - and I'm glad I made them and wouldn't change a thing.

As I get older, when I think about my future choices, my head and my heart struggle a lot. But my gut is usually right. It just doesn't quite know how to communicate with the other parts of my body. Kinda like my mouth and my stomach - my mouth can eat all day and totally ignore my stomach when it's screaming 'nooooooooooo!!!!'.

I used to think that I had to have a family and kids and husband and that I had to fill the idyllic American dream. I'm not so sure of that anymore. I was married once, we never had kids, and we ended up divorced. He's remarried with a step-son and a son of his own. He has a family. Is that what I want? I'm not so sure.

I'm 39 years old and have been living on my own for about 5 years. I've gotten used to being alone and doing my own thing. I can lay around on the sofa all day, or I can go to the gym at 10pm at night . I can let the laundry pile up for 3 weeks and I can let the dishes overflow in the sink. I don't have to clean up after anyone but myself, and I don't have to call anyone if I'm going to be late. I can wake up on a Saturday morning and go for a 3 hour ride to hike in the woods for 2 hours. I don't have to cook dinner every night and I don't have to keep snacks in the house. I can watch what I want on TV or I can play on the computer all day. Yes - there are a lot of times I like being by myself.

Of course, there are those times when I'm lonely as hell. Like the holidays, for instance. Since my mom has moved away, I feel kind of orphaned. I have a sister around the corner, but our connections ends with us having the same parents. She'll spend more time with her friends than me. But it's always been that way so I'm used to it. I sometimes wish I had someone to cook for, because I do enjoy putting together a good meal. I wish I had someone to go to dinner with sometimes, but I have dined by myself. I wish I had someone to go on vacation with. But I have vacationed by myself. Mostly I wish I has someone I could share myself with. Sometimes.

So back to choices...

I did have the chance to have a family. But I divorced him. I did have a loving, caring boyfriend that I used to be able to do all those things for. But we broke up. Both my choice. Both choices that made me sad, but in my gut, were the best thing for me. All because of the one big choice that I want to make and that they never would have been able to accommodate.

I live in New Jersey - the armpit of the US. If you live in New Jersey, there are two distinct parts of New Jersey. North Jersey and South Jersey. All the stigmatism about New Jersey is really pinned on North Jersey. The dirt, the accent, the smog, the Soprano's, the toxic New York cast-offs; all a part of North Jersey. I live in South Jersey. Woods and farms. Blueberry fields, cranberry bogs, peach orchards, apple orchards, Pine Barrens, the New Jersey Devil, Atlantic City and the casinos. Regardless of all of that, New Jersey is still the armpit of the US. I'm convinced that living here is a sick joke parents play on their kids; they move them here when they're too young to know what a crappy place this is to live until they grow up.

I've been to Texas exactly once. I was in San Antonio during Easter 2005 for 5 days. Flying through the Dallas and Houston airports to connect to El Paso to drive to New Mexico doesn't count as being in Texas. So I've been to Texas exactly once. Yet for reasons I cannot explain, I've wanted to move to Texas since I was 30. Specifically San Antonio. There are other parts of this blog that I've deleted (mostly because they were pathetic whinings) but I need to stress that my reason for wanting to move there has nothing to do with the main subject of those blogs. I've wanted to move there long before I knew him. The location with which I want to move to Texas probably has changed because of him. But not because I want to be near him - more because I know more about the different areas and in conversation that I've had with other people that I know live there, I really want to move to Austin. From what I've read and heard, it sounds like my kind of place.

I lived in Philadelphia for a while after I divorced and I've worked there for about 6 years. Philadelphia is a big little city. It offers all those great things that a place like New York can offer, but in a more intimate setting. I like Philadelphia and feel relatively safe there - safe enough to live there for 2 years. I think Austin is a lot like that. Big little city feel with the Hill Country all around and plenty of stuff to do outdoors - and I love being outdoors.

And that's the choice that the 1ex and the 2ex would never have been able to accommodate. The 1ex was not a risk taker. He wouldn't move to save his life. The 2ex has a little daughter he can't leave. She's 8 and I can understand that.

I just can't stay in New Jersey anymore. When this overwhelming feeling of wanting to get out of here would gnaw in my gut I'd be thinking 'What am I running away from?'. It's only recently that I've come to realize that I'm not running away from anything. I've outgrown my life here. It's time for me to move on. I've been saying for longer that I remember, 'There's more to life than New Jersey'. And Austin is where I want to be.

My sister will be moving out of the area in the next 2 years, and my mom has already retired to New Mexico. The older I get, the more I can't stand the cold and the ice and the snow and the winters. I do love the change of seasons and the spectacular colors - but not enough to stay here for the rest of my life. It's ridiculously expensive. Although my car insurance has dropped, our esteemed governor raised sales tax by 1% to 7% and my property taxes are almost $6000/yr. For a TOWNHOUSE. Outrageous.

Although I haven't made the move yet, and therefore fulfilled the choice, having made up my mind to it sits in my gut just fine. Will I be scared when the time comes? You betcha! I don't even have a job down there, much less a place to live, but I know that I can find both. I do worry that I'm getting old and it's much to late to start a new chapter or my life, but I don't like the chapter that's being written right here and now. I can't imagine my future being in New Jersey. I can imagine my future being in Austin.

That's my choice and I'm sticking to it.